The problem with being an introverted perfectionist with a strong recall re: my brain is the very painful, agonizing humiliation I can relive, over & over & over again. When I remember feeling rejected, shut down, embarrassed, or just like a failure in general… but mostly rejected, I feel like shrinking away from the world, hiding away from people into my shell. My anxiety kicks in, & I look to escape into my mind, distracting myself from feeling those emotions of loss, disappointment, sadness.

Those feelings? Well… they aren’t great. They don’t feel so wonderful.

What triggers this need to close off & cocoon, hide away, lose myself in books, movies, puzzles, or my work? My brain has always served me well. I never felt like I could count on my body, my looks, or nonexistent athleticism (let’s just say I’m not the most graceful person) as it were or is. But my brain? My brain has given me so many gifts, life experiences, accomplishments. My brain is something I count on, so when I screw up on a concept, plan, strategy, or anything knowledge-based I pretty much feel totally decimated.

Those are the moments that stay with me forever. That’s the problem with anxiety. You never grab onto the compliments or successes; you only obsess about your failures, the embarrassment, the being wrong or unacceptable in some way. The rejection. The disapproving looks. You let someone down. You offended somebody. You were perceived in a way you never intended. You don’t feel like people see YOU, just the things they want to believe about you.

I’ve felt pretty alone in my brain since I was a child. That happens when you’re the youngest in a big family with older parents.

And, so, as I reflect, I think about how I need to keep challenging & disrupting myself, shifting away from old patterns & fears. I’ve been let down by more people I implicitly trusted than I’d like to admit, people who made promises they broke, never looking back to see the damage, the wreckage. Maybe I’m just too trusting or naïve.

Maybe going to Disney World at 43 is really triggering me. You see, my mother’s best friend, someone I called “Mom #2” for years as a child, promised me she’d take me there “one day.” My mom warned her, “Don’t make promises you won’t keep.” And she’d say, “No, no. I mean it. I’ll take her.” You can guess the rest. People have joked about it, but it wasn’t funny to me. It hurt.

Thus, going to this place now for work has a bit of a sting. I’ll be working the full week, so it’s not as if I’m having a vacation there. I mean, I’m grateful, please don’t get me wrong. But there’s a sadness that my first visit will be tied to meetings & responsibilities, not just enjoying the park like a child at heart. But that’s what being a grown-up & adult entails. There are so many things I am grateful for, & so I feel so bad that these thoughts even enter my mind. But there it is.

Time to retract back into my shell.