As I walked around the modest lake at Disney’s Coronado Springs, yesterday morning, I greeted the day with bittersweet emotions. Perhaps that’s just the anxious state, our state of being? There isn’t really one pure emotion, since anxiety is the pigment that throws off all hues of your color palette of emotions. If you don’t feel an absolute state of gratitude in the face of gifts & blessings, then there’s this guilt that creeps in like, “What’s wrong with me?” And I’m SO grateful. I am. It’s enough for me to know the little one gets to enjoy everything with his dad while I’m working here.
Maybe it’s just been working mother guilt?
The morning light illuminated everything with a gorgeous glow. So beautiful. And yet my mind hovered over projects I’ve been trying to get right & the strategies re: how I can improve communication in new work relationships. It takes me while to trust people, since I’ve been frequently let down by people who swore to to me they’d never go back on their word. And yet they were false. When you try to process that as someone with anxiety, you feel utterly stupid, kicking yourself for not going with your first instinct of pessimism or cynicism.
But I don’t WANT to be suspicious of other people. I want to love with an open heart. Being vulnerable means the potential for rejection. It’s tough to unlearn that defensive response, but I’m trying.
My heart wants to love, remain true to my inner child. But, man. Pain hurts.
Maybe I feel sad that the little one’s Disney firsts will happen without me. I have to take comfort in the fact that my work made this trip even possible, that things aren’t about me but about him. We are very fortunate. I’m thrilled he gets to do these things. Love requires sacrifice. Sacrifice without complaint… so stop complaining, Sharon.
I annoy myself. I overthink, overanalyze, live in my head. It’s safer in there.
As I near the convention center, I feel my armor increasing as I prepare for socializing. I’m getting better about discussing these things a little more openly with others. My aim is to become a more authentic a person, rather than to just perform extroverted cheerfulness & take the easy way out. It’s tough to peel back that performed self. It’s a façade grown out of the barrage of questions from well-meaning people asking what’s wrong & why aren’t I smiling or comments like cheer up & smile, all things I’ve heard since a child.
So I think I just learned to act. I mean, I was in drama, was even president of the club, so I can perform. That’s not an issue. The issue is being more ME. Even if people prefer the act. That’s the true challenge.
Time to head in. *deep breath*
