Do you know those moments when you can actually hear yourself in a conversation & you wince? It’s like you know better, that you shouldn’t ramble on or change the subject or interrupt or any of the annoying things a person with anxiety is prone to do. Yet, you can’t exert the will in the moment to change what you’re doing. Or at least, you’re working towards the behavioral discipline to be able to identify those moments as they happen & change the dynamic. Even though I’m an introvert, I’m learning that I come off quite differently in in-person conversations.

By this, I mean that I hear words like “bold,” “passionate,” “verbal,” “strong,” & “articulate.” People are trying to be kind.

From LinkedIn Learning, I’ve learned that your personal brand is what people say about you when you leave the room. Which begs the question, Would those still be the adjectives used to describe me in the most critical sense? Would those words become, “domineering,” “bullish,” “stubborn,” “forceful,” “opinionated,” “obstinate,” or even worse, “disrespectful”? That’s my biggest concern. I don’t want to be THAT person in meetings who inspires rolling eyes, nudges & knowing winks, sighs of exasperation, or frustration. We’ve all met people like that. They may be well-intentioned, but over time they develop a reputation difficult to improve. And people stop listening to them.

My mentor gave me some useful advice that I put into practice today.

After an online meeting which took place this morning, I reflected on some tension that became palpable about midway through a document review for feedback & editing. A colleague asked a number of questions about segments I had drafted, & before I knew it I started growing defensive. Instead of remaining quiet & processing what was being inferred, I started to explain everything away. And I could hear my growing frustration, & the tension increased. Another colleague shifted the topic, & that energy quickly dissipated. Yet, afterwards, I had to hold myself accountable re: how that energy evolved. Clearly, I had contributed.

So, I reached out to the first colleague & asked for a short call, citing a need for assistance with my leadership development.

Now, I’m not as glamorous as the woman in the above image, so you’ll have to use your imagination. But I did try to focus the call with my colleague on my need for feedback regarding listening skills & communication dynamics in meetings. It took some prodding on my part with questions like, “What can I do to open up lines of communication? Would you feel comfortable enough to let me know when I’m doing something that shuts you down in meetings we have together?” And so on.

After some very polite compliments, my colleague finally was able to offer constructive criticism. “Hmmmmm. Well, as far as what I would say you might reflect on… You might want to consider your listening skills, so that when people leave the room they aren’t thinking, ‘I wish she would just try to listen more.'”

Immediately, I picked up on the plural “people” & the words “listen more.”

There it was. Gladly, I listened to the honest feedback & let it register.

This is why I chose to write about this, today. As I try to disrupt myself, changing old habits or thoughtless behaviors, I need to keep coming back to reflection & mindfulness, a processing of my activities during the day. An exercise in mindfulness. You see, anxiety creeps into my life & shows itself in these kinds of negative communication dynamics when I’m challenged or when feel a need to prove myself. Which is a ridiculous reaction, as I shouldn’t feel insecure. But I do. Thus, the internal battle ensues. Only by dissecting my behavior in writing (after debriefs with others to hold me accountable) will I actually change & improve. And, thus, I’m a work in progress, trying to hit my internal mute button all the more so that I can truly evolve into a better listener.

So it goes.