One of my biggest flaws ties to competition & game-playing. You see, I grew up with 4 brothers & a dad who were very competitive, which meant I experienced a LOT of losing. Board games were a big deal, especially as an 80s kid, & my father taught all of us to play pinochle, a card game he learned in the army. Energy would spike when games were played, & all of the men would trash-talk in a way that felt horribly personal. And, so, as the youngest & a girl in my family, I felt I had to hold my own & be tough. When my brother (youngest of the 4) or I would feel upset even to the point of tears, that became a point of ridicule.

So, we had to learn to develop a thick skin or hide hurt feelings. Over the years, that kind of competition brought out, well, not the greatest aspects of my personality.

Games like Clue & Life would appeal to me, since there wasn’t such a focus on winning or losing the way I’d experience with others like pinochle or pretty much any card games, checkers, Monopoly, & Risk. You see, my father had the mentality that he’d never let his kids win games. We could only win if we truly beat him fair & square. And you also have to understand that with strategy games, in particular, the biggest variable is actually one’s mental state–this was why pinochle was so lauded in the house. You would have to bid & bluff, as one would with poker. Hence the value of trash-talking. Thus, that’s how I learned the term, “psyched out,” as a kid. My brothers loved winning & would relish rubbing it in, rehashing with play-by-play detail how the loser screwed up.

When my brothers & father hung out at family events, competition always seemed to enter into things.

When we were older, those games evolved to throwing things. Darts were a big element in my father’s bar room, & the boys would play horseshoes & basketball, the latter usually being HORSE or PIG. Every Christmas, my father loved giving board games as presents, so it felt like connecting with my father or brothers needed to involve game-playing, & while I tried to be as hard-shelled as they were it didn’t work so well. Yet, I wanted any attention they’d give me, even if that meant settling for games I didn’t really want to play & hated when I’d lose. The funny thing is that the games the guys would play were different from the ones at which I’d excel.

For example, I developed a knack for Memory, Scrabble, Boggle, Trivial Pursuit, Operation, Trouble, Parcheesi, & chess. And I’d win a lot, which meant my brothers would refuse to play those particular ones with me over time–especially Trivial Pursuit.

My friends often wonder why it is now as an adult I refuse to play competitive board games that focus on the individual versus the individual or involve a kind of “psyching out” element. And I’m often too ashamed to admit that losing & trash-talking really hurt me, & I can’t hide that well. There have been times when I’ve excused myself to use the bathroom, only to cry & get my act together to return without puffy, red eyes. It feels so embarrassing that I still feel so viscerally the hurt of the games played throughout my childhood & adolescence.

It was especially painful to watch my brother Dan cry in anger when our brothers teased him, only to enjoy the spectacle of upsetting him, as they loved getting a reaction or meltdown. An empath & highly sensitive person, I literally felt more pain in witnessing Dan’s bursts of anger, tears, & sadness than my own.

So, why write about this? Well, as I reflect on the visceral reactions that arise when met with competitive environments & people in my career, I realize that prefer to be in cooperative situations than ones that focus on the individual’s success over the group’s. In my professional life, I feel most at ease in teams & working together with groups to accomplish a goal. When I’m placed in situations where I’d have to “psych out,” outwit, or try to out-maneuver others in order to “win” a promotion, grow more prestige, or develop a bigger reputation, that’s where I struggle most. My anxiety increases, & negative emotions start to surface, so it becomes harder for me to trust others. I’ll tend to pull into myself & isolate so as to lose by inaction or default.

It bothers me that I still allow these early experiences with competition to affect me even now as a middle-aged adult. It really, really does. And so add this to my list of things on which I need to work, finding a way to find make peace with competitive situations that cause me anxiety & make my ego flare up in not such a great way. Maybe that’s why I’m a great fan of role-playing games & MMOs that require positive group dynamics, teamwork, & a shared goal?