As I think about the statigraphy observed in Zion National Park, I’m reminded of the work I’m still doing on myself, in regard to accessing the parts of myself that I’ve buried & which have calcified. Like Rich’s “Diving into the Wreck.” These are things, emotional memories, that over time have hardened, creating markers of feelings tied to a life’s chronology. Since I tend to judge myself harshly, I’ve long seen those hardened elements in a negative cast, as a detriment or hindrance. Things that have scarred or left their mark in blemishes, marring what was once innocent & pure. Yet, the layers of rock, the different colors & densities, provide Zion Canyon with a beauty so stunning that the process of creating can be forgotten.

Clearly, water & weather have eroded the rock & ledge, yet we now only see the beauty, the dazzling result.

When you enter the actual Zion Canyon via the National Park shuttle, you quickly realize how high the surrounding rock walls are. Craning your neck, you can try to peer up towards the sky through the windows, even those located on the top of the bus itself. The Virgin River, which carved its way through those very rock walls, swell with the spring snow melt so the sound of rushing water adds to the experience. Around each bend, different peaks & colors of crags & cliffs keep the eye dancing around, as one tries to soak in all of the different views. And it’s funny, strange even, to think about the sublime feelings inspired by the magnitude of those canyon walls, that fear inspired by the height & the danger of losing one’s footing. Rock climbers can be seen scaling several of the rock faces throughout the canyon, & it’s terrifying to think of how many have died there & may die there still.

If I relate those views & ponder their symbolism, I can see how I often fear the very things that have created the aspects of my personality others tend to appreciate most about me–kindness, compassion, empathy, supporting the disadvantaged, passion for doing what’s right. Those aspects of my personality have been developed through pain & loss, in suffering & hurt.

Really, I can’t explain why I grow so scared of the blows of the hammer or the changes caused by that eternal trickle of life’s water carving its way through the heart & soul over a lifetime of experience. In nature, things make complete sense to me. It’s as if all of the random chaos & stress of daily striving in professional settings & in competitive environments fall away, leaving the silence & calm of the bigger meaning of life. Yet, I have to be reminded of simple things. Lately, my therapist & I have been working on my breathing, my slowing down to connect to my body & the very process of drawing in breath & exhaling. Simple things that I can easily do to help ground me & release tension & stress that can grip my body. Funny enough, blogging & drawing help me a great deal. I found over the past couple of weeks, my stress spiked when I wasn’t writing. In the midst of the storm of anxiety, I lose common sense & fail to do the simple things that help & ground me.

So, I guess there’s that. I need to write & create in order to manage my emotions in positive, healthy ways.

As summer approaches, I’m now looking forward to the things I can continue to do in nature, whether day trips or weekends spent at national parks or trails for walks & hikes. Especially with the little one. We will be heading to Rhode Island, New Hampshire, & Rockport, Massachusetts, in June for our annual trips with the East Coast family. There’s also an upcoming big family trip to the Grand Tetons & Yellowstone National Park in September, so I’m both excited to see familiar places I love in the Northeast & also to explore the landscapes of the Old West, the Great Frontier, that I’ve yet to see. There’s so much beauty nearby in entirely new forms, so as I adapt & evolve from my own self-disruption, I’m looking to nature to continue to be the balm to my soul.

That’s the touchstone & the way I cope best… And I can’t lose sight of that. Even though I often do.

So, I invite accountability partnerships with fellow introverts out there on WordPress or Twitter. While cocooning is so critical for mental health, recharging, & reducing stress, so too do we need to venture out into the world & see new things. Travel helps me a lot as another way to recharge my batteries. Since Europe is much farther away now, my focus will be on the Pacific Coast & Northwest–perhaps even Alaska which is now only a 4-hour flight away from Utah. I’m still itching to see the Redwood Forest, dreaming of those massive trees that speak to prehistoric times. If I disappear or fail to post, feel free to call me out on it. I’ll get back to it!

For now, I will content myself with slowing down & enjoying my small trips through writing & curating pictures, taking the time to value & appreciate the many gifts I’ve been given. Each & every one.