Please forgive my hiatus in writing. It’s not that I haven’t been productive; rather, I’ve been writing other things. For example, I’m about 4/5 the way through a design thinking course with IDEO, which will lead to a certificate & I couldn’t pass up the chance for professional development. I’ve also submitted three proposals for national & international conferences, assumed a Board of Directors position with UWHEN and the ACE Network for Women in Utah as Secretary, along with a number of other work projects. Excuses, excuses. But really. I mean, I’ve been making progress towards a lot of work goals, so that’s good, right? I’d normally say yes, but then I throw myself into work when I want to avoid emotional work. So, yeah. I’ve been avoiding that a little.

Yet, I’m making room for family & connection. We are flying home to New England for the Christmas holiday, so I’ll have 10 days in Rhode Island & New Hampshire to see loved ones. I’m excited to see my best friends, as it’s been way too long. The little also will get to visit with cousins & extended family–I’m thrilled about that! There are some beloved places in New England I look forward to seeing.

Why the focus on yellow landscapes, right? Or the “Golden Hues”? Maybe because yellow in the fall is an accent color in New England, not the main focus of the color wheel. Due to the high population of aspens, Utah is known for yellow-dominant foliage in the autumn. When visiting “Yellowstone,” I guess the color stuck out as one of symbolism. I mean, I’ve always loved the Coldplay song, “Yellow,” even though the color has traditionally been associated with illness. Just think of Charlotte Perkins Gilman’s The Yellow Wall-Paper, & it’s not a positive set of images which are conjured. Words like sulfuric, acrid, acidic, decomposing, infected, moldy, fungal, diseased, bruised, damaged, dying, bilious, cowardly, ill, splenic, choleric–these are the negative things yellow can come to signify.

Perhaps it’s that memory of being a child, maybe in sixth grade (when I was 10 years old), in the fall looking out of the window & seeing the leaves falling. Some hollowness even then caused an inner sense of solitude, a lonely sadness in seeing the leaves dying off of the trees. Even though the leaves were beautiful, & I loved seeing them dance & swirl in the wind, a melancholy set deep within me, in my core, & I couldn’t understand what that meant. Was that usual? I can’t imagine that it would be for most kids my age.

In some way, these connections make sense in my brain. Like when I start feeling the advent of winter, the ensuing darkness to come, the shortening of days & the focus on loss (having lost immediate family members like my dad & brother at a young age) during the holiday season–all of it triggers a quiet creeping feeling of lethargy despite high productivity at work. I’ve been watching Man in the High Castle & Life Below Zero way more than I should recently–maybe in part because I’m thinking about dystopian futures & alternative lives spent on the fringes? What does it mean to remove oneself from the throngs of society in a kind of Neo-Romantic move? The modern hermit.

My introversion leads me to appreciate those kinds of complicated pondering, like being unplugged from The Matrix, seeing a reality apart from the one most to which others subscribe. Some find the idea of parallel realities or alternative simultaneous timelines upsetting, yet for me I don’t find it all too far-fetched. There’s just so much we don’t know we don’t know.

And, so, as we head into Thanksgiving–a time of harvest, bounty, plenty, feasting–I invite you to think about what fall means to you. Do you experience anything like fall or autumn foliage where you live? When I think about the myth of Persephone & Hades, how Demeter mourns the leaving of her daughter through fall & winter, only to celebrate her daughter’s return in spring & summer, I guess that reinforces a sense of loss of family? Maybe that further complicates this association? Also, the land of the West connects to the image of the setting sun–another symbol of death or loss or end of life. In my own weird way, these things all find links together in my mind, combining to inspire some of those more somnolent, quiet moments of reflection. When I escape into deep thought like this, it’s often tough to pull myself out to start creating, producing from my imagination. It’s much easier to defer to logic & reason in safe areas like academic work.

So, I share some of these images & thoughts with you, dear reader & potential fellow introvert. Maybe it might help you feel not so weird or alone? We can be high-functioning in careers & on the surface, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a storm of emotion that accelerates as we head into these darker months. Remain aware of yourselves & these related feelings, this time of year. Be kind to your mind & soul & honor self-care. You are worth it.