If you’ve been reading this blog as of late, then you know that a central theme in my “disruption of self” has been & remains an honest examination of what it is that makes up my identity. Authenticity emerged in my life as a touchstone, something that I highly value or even depend upon in my relationships. But I’ve long focused on this as an external thing, something that I project to others & in turn try to intuit from others when judging whether or not to invest in a relationship. Yet, oddly, I haven’t really examined my own sense of self or whether I am actually authentic with myself. That question, “Am I authentic with myself?,” is one that leaves me dumbstruck.

Am I?

If I had to venture a guess, I would say no I’m not. I’ve been living for others more than for myself. On the surface, I have told myself that my ambition & drive, working towards goals & needing the next bigger thing, has originated inside as an integral part of my personality. Sure, my ego likes new titles & prosperity, recognition, validation, & even power. Yet, these are things that don’t truly provide happiness. If you’ve seen the documentary Happy, then you know that only 10% of your overall happiness relates to your career, wealth, status, & social position. Of the 50% of overall happiness not affected by biological factors, 40% of your happiness is derived from relationships, life experiences, & the “flow” experienced in activities like hobbies, activities that require some skill but also allow you to drift outside of yourself.

For me, the best setting that provides me with happiness is nature.

To say that I miss just being in nature would be an understatement, which is odd to write when I live in such a gorgeous place as Salt Lake City. But I’ve been learning that those who have experienced trauma in devastating loss can often punish themselves by avoiding things that provide them with happiness. It’s as if the feeling of happiness isn’t deserved. It’s really hard for me to sit & connect with those feelings of loss. I’ve tried to numb myself to it, while talking about vulnerability as a key part of leadership & innovation. But I haven’t been authentic. I’ve intellectualized the pain, compartmentalized it, tried to bury it deep so that I can’t find it.

But you can’t get rid of it. It’s there, controlling you subconsciously.

This is why I’m holding myself accountable. I control my own ability to feel happy, & when I go numb I can’t feel anything… Not even the good emotions. I’m not sure how long it will take me to do the work of processing loss & sadness. That’s the thing about trauma. Some I own, but some I’ve inherited & can’t even explain its cause. That’s where my reading about epigenomics comes in. Beyond my own tangible experiences of loss I can identify & explain, there’s that legacy of trauma passed down by my mother & her mother, imprinted on my very DNA. DNA that I shared on all 6 points with my brother Dan, my best friend I lost to cancer in 2004. It’s left its marks.

Here’s to starting that journey of reclaiming authenticity with myself.